Whom to follow

Is it OK to turn atheist after all these years ? Is it a valid decision or a confused one taken out of frustration.

What is the frustration?

Born to a hindu household, the short prayers, visit to temple was part of growing up. Slowly they turned out to be part of hobby or play, by the age of 13 or below, preparing things like offerings and flower arrangement for temple became a habit. Could be the influence of agraharam (a place where tamil Brahmins live in a colony) in the neighbourhood. Found such tasks as a novelty and did them too with elan. To be called a Ambalavasi ( one who lives in temple)

A convent educated person cannot deny that they werent introduced to prayers as they call Mass in churches, hymns and chirstmas celebrations. So was I too where there were Idols of Jesus and Mary in every corner of school and stopping by to pray or rather ask for a favour became a habit too. This introduced to other religions although it can be skewed view of it because there werent any explanations given, but some customs were dictated.

A brush with Ramakrishna Ashram, in one of the cycle rides to tuition class was one of the turning points. This ashram had loads of books and that was a attraction. In due course was introduced to spritualism sans religion and chanting by reading the literature there. Enjoyed understanding the meanings of sanskirt slokas and collecting them, as in a way it enhanced the sanskrit knowledge which was being taught at school. Somehow felt those mantras had some effect on frayed nerves of concentrating on academic excellence which was the focus then. Later to understands the effect of sound and thus chanting on the human physche.

The spiritual gurus were introduced as graduate education was in a college run by one such Gurus. There the spiritualism took another form, as it was dictated as stringent rules of attending bhajans, yoga classes and seva (service) at the ashram. Would thank that experiance as well as it a great addition to already delicious avial ( a dish made in kerala cuisine, with all the vegetables in the world with a great tempering of coconut and curry leaves) of my mind, which was confused as to what to abide by.

Once in career building age, these things takes a back seat, but did linger around as there was a need of an anchor for the mind in the pressures of the new world. So it became a need based, sometimes a run to temple and ask for some favours or a chanting session to calm the mind or reading about some advices from the spiritual gurus which were getting popular. But never had found the solace in this seeking. It always was transactional and felt incomplete.

It was early times of Social Media, thus emergence of a lot of Gurus in every field. Initially all were consumed with great verve, to become owner avial square mind. These spiritual gurus were selling charisma and habits. Most of them turned out to be pretending to be sorted. Later to realise a guru or a teacher doesnot give you answers, he/she guides you into seeking your truth. This truth is very different from his/her life and is very custom made for your circumstances and existence. So these 5 step / 21 day cleanse program could work to some level, but to this mix our intuition needs to be added to make it our own. We might resonate with a lot of ideas which they also might be preaching, it becomes our own only when we turn to ourselves and become present and aware of self. So in the name of living better, we need not keep lining someone else's pockets, following them around like a sheep, as they churn out multiple high-priced resources that is actually a repitition of certain thing which you might have imbibed from your environment while growing up. Just need to add some “gut feel” to it and voila its yours than theirs.

At the end to understand “Authenticity + Humility + Love + Compassion” should define anyone takes a lot of time. Our everyday thrive could be to be better at one or more of these.
Than the Self Aggrandising behavior which we see on social media, which should be consumed for fun and not to live by.

So am I a pure atheist …. ?