The Straight line

How did we reach that straight line? That was a journey that I wanted to prepare for. But I knew from his frailing health that we were near that. Some inkling was there for me which was telling me “be prepared”, but denial seems to be our favorite game, and then look at reality with wide eyes and confusion.

I didn't have time to look at it with wide eyes. It just crumpled on me on that day, when my dad struggled the most in his life with pains and apprehensions and just moved on after deciding that this was not his fight anymore.

He was in extreme pain when I saw him, none of the pain killers nor our patting down on the stomach nor stories of his grandkids or general gossip could distract him. That was all the tactics I knew I could do to alleviate his pains, which were mounting. Little did we know that was his struggle and test period to move into a new phase of his body, where he was testing out if he would be comfortable living in a less efficient way, where assistance was needed. After an initial jolt of a failed attempt to survive, as a heart attack, he was moved to critical care.

Then the information started flowing to me in hoards, whether to do one procedure or not, what would be the best for him or not. I nodded away to most of them and sometimes did ask them some questions as to how to relieve his pains a bit if we could. But I did take some time to understand that he being there with us between 12 in the noon and night 10:40 that day, was just a primer for us to be prepared for a life without him. I talked with a dear friend who was extremely helpful in telling me about the implications of this condition, how did she appear to counsel me on that, thanks for that, Julie. By evening I was a bit prepared to see the straight line I felt, as I saw him last struggling with tubes all over him and blood stains an indication of the uncontrolled bleeding he experienced.

By 10:40pm when the doctor came to tell us that his fight was over, I just needed help from my dear uncle Shiju to accompany me to see his still body. Still, I asked the doctor did he really go or can he hear me… although I could hear that quintessential straight line on the life support machine loud and clear in my background.