The men I know
Feminism, Patriarchy, Equal Rights, and Parity — Huge words, and does not have the proper faculties to comment on them.
The difference or inequality stuck with me only when I entered the workforce in Mumbai. I grew up in a household that treated me and my brother equally. Being in a small-town conservative setup, what restrictions were for me applied to him, and I saw my dad mopping around the house just as my Mom did and more, so gender duties weren’t evident there. But as I entered the workforce in the early 2000s when India was just taking its wing as a new economy, I could find some traces of parity difference in the allocation of work and responsibilities seeping in.
I come from a school of thought where I would like to operate in a place where everyone is equal and respected. I am often perturbed when there is a disparity in that belief. On Indian streets or other common environments, though, the experience is often of being tossed around, objectified more evidently than being respected or listened to. As we all know, the negative experiences usurp the positive ones to leave an aftertaste.
Certain men were noteworthy to remember from the journey. I might be pinpointing one experience that left me with an impression of the person; there could have been other aspects of the same person that I might have missed as I colored him with that one experience. If a couple of experiences have remained in my conscious and linger around, I would like to believe they defined him for me.
I have seen him in action in close quarters, not always vocal with his words of encouragement, but always encouraging his partner to excel in what she does. He somehow believed that she could study further, so he encouraged her to take up doctorate studies when the kids they were raising were in school. It could have been a challenge to manage everything with the studies which needed to be put in to achieve it. When she progressed in her career, she could see him lonely and trying to kill it by not-so-good means, but never expressing the same. Ofcourse, they found their way to balance that as well.
A brief encounter with him exposed how a person can use others to progress in a career, be it colleagues or family members. It was a few hours long drive, which need not have been eventful as I have the habit of sleeping in a moving vehicle. His constant urge to speak and connect kept me awake, and we talked about many pleasant things. A call from a colleague to report on an issue revealed how he manipulated him into doing the extra work at late hours, and a concerned partner called later on, which was responded to by rudeness and very little transparency, which made me erase all the pleasantries that were exchanged. The attempt after that was to get out of that car as soon as possible before the tables were turned.
A person has bright parts and dark parts, too. But if the person uses his darkness to put a shade on you, that means he does not acknowledge his darkness. That’s a bit dangerous to be around and scarring, too. As a friend, you tend to see the good parts and ignore the others, which is the approach I took, but how much darkness to handle is a decision to be made, and thus, the same can be eliminated.
We all complain that men aren’t changeable or teachable. My experience betrays that I have interacted with some who have grown over the years to understand the nuances of being with others very amicably without undermining their voices or interests. It was a learning for sure, as in the initial years, many personal interests seemed compromised when others were accommodated.
We all come in all shapes and sizes and have millions of moods. We just need allies who let us be and are happy to be themselves around us.
