Startup-wife rambling

I became a startup-wife by 2003, when in indian Silicon Valley of India, startups were just becoming a norm. In our times as any oldie like me would say, it was very new and quite unknown territory.

Was just married, and as any supportive wife would be, didn’t have an opinion on it, so silently went with it. To know in the coming years it would be a roller coaster tough ride.

We both don’t come with generational wealth, not that which I know of. He keeps telling he belongs to punjab royalty, I think they got really affected by partition and we cant be counting on it or is it saved for retirement! Do startup founders retire…. They shouldn’t I guess.

So it was his drive to do something different, which made him plunge into starting a tech firm from scratch with some of his colleagues. It was all new. Frankly, I didn’t have any understanding of it. I’m glad I hadn’t had any idea, and I was quite involved in raising our very personal startup, our son. Otherwise I think I would have turned into that nagging wife who would have asked him tough questions and persuaded him otherwise. But it was really confusing for my parents, they as any in-laws would be, can’t be questioning the SIL, so the stability questions used to come to me and I used to hide my irritation and answer them positively. In a way, I was in denial, no doubt. It was a different journey, and I was glad I had my job and son to tend to.

Still, after 2 decades of being a startup-wife, I may not have grown to understand what drives these innovators. Have interacted with some like him and their wives. Most times they don’t have visibility of very next day, which baffles me in all accord, how can someone live life with this kind of optimism. Have noticed that most times the people join the venture with their own agenda. So it’s interesting to people watch in these situations, most are behind that newness, which wears off when pay isn’t coming in right time or not coming at all for months.

Then there is a set which is there to learn and branch off, no qualms, but they leave abruptly, which affects the project which is in hand. A slow informed transition could be better. Another learning here is all are in their own journeys and most of us are selfish or mildly put self oriented.

Then, some join in with all commitment and grow to be indispensable, and that slowly penetrates into their head and thus a lofty ego trip. To top the struggle to make ends meet, the founder is handling some inflated egos as well, which can be a bad influence on your innovation mindset. The founder can get tired and wound up in unnecessary battles together with more important battles to fight for getting the product out and customer acquisition qualms.

In all of these, the observant wife would have some opinions and suggestions, which I used to voice in the initial times and more, and the consequences being a misunderstanding between the visionary and his disgruntled wife. Later, learned the lesson that he is in the thick of things, so it’s his battle to deal with, you cannot be the protective “mother”. The kid has to be let go of going off to play, get hurt or not, and find his preferred comfort. You can just be patient and non judgemental bystander, mute all the blabber on people, situations, and targets.

Then, there are bigger companies getting intimidated by the startup, and they can meddle with you with their power. Have had instances when we are dragged into long legal battles, just for their ego boost. Which eventually fell flat, but in the course of things, you are derailed, and no corpus left. But as any weird startups guys would be, we are ready to start over again, and as any other startup-wife, you support the higher cost.

Yes it the uncertainty does affect you, you are constantly questioning it because you can never be the founder, no one can be, even if you sleep with him. Their thinking is at a different level and they are driven by greater purpose and innovation. Not to say the startup-wifes insecurities aren’t valid, it comes from place of care and concern, but most times lost in communication.

Most times I have found myself being doubting Tom than a cheer leader. That was my journey, couldn’t do better, nor wouldn’t change. As I have grown to give space and accept things in a better light. Yes some ups in the business did help in giving that comfort. The journey when you look back, is well lived with those differences of opinions, long discussions to understand the “vision”, now also I grapple with it and lost hope and the joys which comes with a great team around and product getting used.

Nothing to be altered, and imbibing the lessons well.