POV: From the rear

6 min readAug 2, 2024

Growing up was I a competitive kid? I often think about it. Obviously in a class of almost 82 kids, there would have been comparison/competition which would have seeped into our lives. But thankfully I had parents who never compared us siblings to others or among us. That assured us to do our best, but never it was validated. Thus an element of self-doubt popped up, lingered, and festered and created newer stuff. These are not a one time thing, it could be influenced by multiple incidents over the years and it depends of inner construct of the individual, how he/she deal with a thought or feeling. So not entirely putting any blame on the usual parenting, environment nor anything. It was the best it was and they did their best.

Now coming to the present, let's take a pursuit — trekking. Chanced upon it entirely by intrigue. In 2012 or so, saw a bucket list of eminent person and it had Sandakpu written in it with others, in a Mint magazine. And now I realize it was a turning point for me. Looked around for where this place is and thus chanced upon a pursuit by Priyadarshini — an Athlete and singer called Windchasers. They had an upcoming run to the hills of Sandakpu, so registered for it, without thinking its specifics or enquiring about it, went ahead with it for me and my partner, who is a runner. After which I realised that it is gonna be a task, It was a 72 miles/115 Kms run in hills over 5 days. That didn't deter the pursuit, and can be considered as stupidity. Ofcourse! But the Windchasers accommodated me and made the experience memorable in the hills.

The group had almost 12 odd people who were trained athletes, trekkers, and runners and of course me a non-runner but as per me active person. I thought doing a few rounds of yoga and lifting some weights in the gym regularly was being active. When the first day started, people started running on altitude with ease, I instantly recalibrated and started walking and told myself I would finish the stipulated by walking all through. The first day was almost 21 Kms, but the young active body was ok to take that challenge, although the time required for it was 3 times from those trained runners who whizzed off on the hills. The mindscape went into whirl, self beating and comparison quietly crept in during the walking hours and made me question my decision and also made me push myself to run and compete with others. The second day of run, also was 21 Kms and in the same intensity, the self beating continued. Because always my view was from the back of people proceeding and making it big. Didn’t enjoy the that view at all. Neither did I bother to see the beauty of the valleys and hills I was crossing. Now looking back I feel that was a introduction to new set of learnings about many things, which actually didn't register well.

All said and done on the day when 41 Kms was our target , my husband walked with me and we had the most pleasurable walk and also most terrorizing experience of getting stuck in knee-height snow. That incident made me understand how we both perceive challenges and if we collaborate I need to make myself clear of my terms. The next day easy 21Kms of descent.

Still, I couldn't figure out what I really wanted from such experience like trek/run. Glad I came out of that experience, without despising trekking or being in hills ( as it was the first experience), non-injured and not despirted. But with no clarity in learning from it, though I perceived it to be not a perfect experience. I couldn't run there when others could and I was always the last one to reach the camp on every day.

Cut to 2022, there were some treks taken up between 2012 and then but committed ourselves to the Everest base Camp trek. People did ask me then, are you trained for it? Still, the same false confidence, of minimal strength training and yoga, made me think I could ace it. Cut to the trek start, we had the most difficult one at that, because of weather conditions couldn't start the trek on the designated day and it got delayed by 3 days. So on the first day, we were trying to cover up what we couldn't, and the day was almost 18 hours long, which killed my spirit and mountain sickness slowly crept in, which was a new experience. Older by 10, of course there would be changes in the constitution. To add to it, still I am the last one to finish every day, and my view is always an array of people going in front of me, I follow them.

Didn't feel like the pioneer who is leading from the front and so a loser. Gave up on the trek at 4100 meters, with acute mountain sickness which could have been managed better, but my mind was processing other things like — Why I am finishing last? , Why can't I speed up? and many other self-deprecating thoughts whichever I can make up in my vivid imagination.

Came out of it with zilch learning, I wasn't ready for any I guess. After this trek, the pursuit self beating and questions within myself continued, which gave no clarity on what I wanted out of these experiences. Still, the questions remain.

But always it was a boasting topic of discussion and an assurance that at least I tried. Of course that is a big factor, at least the foot is out of the door for such pursuits. But for what? The quest continues.

A lot of work on myself and some maturing later, cut to 2024, and took up the Markha Valley trek in July 2024. From the beginning was super clear, that it is gonna be a derriere-view all the way. That also only if I want to know the directions, otherwise just pause and see the beautiful visuals on the sides. So those derrieres are searched for only comfort of directions sometimes otherwise not for comparison or none other factor.

So here are the beautiful views which are from this rear side on this trek. Spectacular and simply amazing. There are no words to describe them.

The best north star all through this trek was my partner — Vishal who patiently walked in front and encouraged me to take smaller steps and enjoy.