Loss, This is it? Responsibility

From the time my father left us and I had been around his casket till he took his final journey, my body responded to the whole thing with a gesture… opening of arm with a sense of “ This is it? “ as a sentiment. So that was the ever pervading feeling I had the initial days. Are we that insignificant, to be experiancing a pain and taking off without much help from all the beeping machines and qualified doctors around. Are we that perishable to succumb to a body part acting up because it just decides to, even after all the care which was done. So this is it !!! I was continously doing that gesture after I realised the reality of the events. Till the cremation that was ever pervading one too.

Once I saw him light up, the sense of loss encompassed me as the flames wallowed him up in that gas furnace. A sense of loss which is very different from all of those kinds experianced. obviously it would be so too. A deep sense of void in the middle of chest, I suppose would be ever existing.

The most pertinent of them all… is the sense of responsibiliy towards my mom. None of us would be able to restore her life to previous state. But it would be ever existing strive to make it better for her. They were a unit, superbly complimenting eachother, with one of them involved always in certain matters more than the other, making the other undoubtedly the contributing member by virtue of support in all ways they could. Was that codependency, not sure! But there was no sense of tiredness or resentment or any other negative emotion whatsoever in their interactions. So huge uphill task for us to fill in that space for her. We shall try.