Living with us
I can only compare my life with some woman before me whom I would have observed in close quarters and my generation.
The generation before us, my mother, her band of sisters, or her friends whom I might have observed is my reference. This gen had some set rules of being a woman in marriage or in work environment. Those rules they imbibed from the gen before them, and without much clarity and questions asked.
So they might do a ritual at home without much qualms and questioning as to why they do it. In their minds, just like placebo effect, it helps a particular situation. Yes, it did work for them. Placebo is valid. You go to a temple and your goal is achieved.
And so was their submissiveness to their spouses. Mostly, no questions asked, and what is on offer was lapped up. Making the necessary adjustments is what thry used to call those acts. May be it could giving up your studies or your friends or your career and sometimes dreams.
My dad was comparatively a better read man, so he was liberal in his thoughts and ways, so I could see that he was often not insistent on most of the stuff and he would like it a bit fluid, but he never used to not listen to what mom wants. So the way things were mostly how mom wanted as he was OK with that arrangement. Does that make him a hen pecker? Most others thought of him that way. Less masculine even….I wouldn’t consider it that way. He lived his life and didn’t want many interventions from others even from his wife, and he was cautious enough not to come in your lane mostly. He wasnt saint, he was influenced slightly by the circumstances for sure, but minutely. So, in such situations, the women should flourish as it’s ideal for her to express and live. So did my mom with her conditioning restricting her sometimes. She was a professional who wasn’t frowned upon to have to spend a lot of time travelling away from home. Because at home she knew that her hearth was warm and could be gotten back anytime and her man held the fort. As she did for him in his testing professional times. So, in those ways, their partnership was great and equal. Something which I imbibed and aspired to be. But this cannot be told of all the other homes which I went to.
There was one where man was a successful business man, he showered gifts from far and wide for his wife and kids. And foreign trips as well, which was unknown then. But he would ill treat you to his and your core and is super dependent on you for everything else other than earning money and spending it. A very toxic partnership which us toxic for them and us kids who saw this and sometimes was ill treated. But was taken to the best ice-cream shop nearby the very next second. It is a very confusing state for the kids around. I was confused for sure.
Now, from that generation itself I could observe another couple well achieved professionals, in some ways, the lady was more revered than the man in her professional setup. Did that make him insecure. In some ways , it was my observation.
In personal life he had his ways with other woman which I saw this otherwise logical wife closing eyes to. Why would someone do such a thing when you can actually walk out. This did actually perplex me as she was well aware of his rendezvous and sometimes with her kin as well. How can woman be so forgiving and just live in a partnership so that there are less fingers pointing her way. And set a example of living saint, but inside how do you really feel? I would like to know.
Now cut to present, I see partnerships wherein the men hasn’t really gotten the essence of being the liberal thinker and woman are in drive to prove themselves to be no less than him. In that pursuit, she wants to thrash all the glass ceilings and also wants to be the best wife and a mother if kids are in thevpicture or even if it is a dog. The man is left thinking, is he really “allowing” all these happening around him, or is he anyway in any position to control this. Or is he supposed to be in his lane and be assured. A deadly combination at that. Both are in proving mode and thus not reaching a consensus.
And then there are others who are stuck in their ways from what they have seen happening in their home and aren’t at all teachable, talk idealistic situations, and may even nod to agree that there is a change very much needed. But they aint changing an inch, which makes their partners a worn-out warrior who just want to survive the ordeal for the sake of her sanity or kids.
But in contrary most of these men want the best for their daughters, wherein he isn’t ready to lead by example by treating their mother as an equal partner.
So a confused lot at that!!!!
Questions that often perplex me is that in what capacity do you all think you are superior than us … isn’t it a better deal to discuss and get going than just run over and dominate.
