Is my crown crooked?
Yes, we all have one crown… and rarely do we realize that. And others realize it and help you keep it upright in the right place. With the vagaries of everyday living this coveted asset can be crooked, fallen, kept aside, or even not recognized.
In a woman's life, there are always those girl pal(s), who would remind you if you have left that crown on the bathroom counter or sometimes inside the fridge, while on a midnight snacking sojourn. It's a blessing if you have such pals, who without any feelings attached can tell you things. More than they tell you, you need to be ready to take it from them too. It can be a guy pals also, but the girl pals always strike a different chord and this blog is for those bitches, with whom you can be yourself.
Growing up, I had girl friends, but I never connected with them more than superficially. It could be conditioning that was drilled into me that you don't need to connect with others other than family. So this conundrum of how much is enough was ever existing and I chose not to connect at all, so I could get validation at home. I realize that this is an individualistic journey and should be left to each growing person to make their mistakes and find the vibe. I do have a sense of loss for having lost such deep bonds from those years, because those exist for a lifetime, as people who experience it extoll. To correct my mistake, the people from that era with whom I am still connected, an effort has been made in recent years. Say after maybe knowing each other for 35-odd years, we are working at it now. It is a lot of effort as in middle age it's very difficult to build trust and open a fresh conversation on matters that matter, way away from “How are you? et all”. The happening life does build a lot of layers and masks, which makes it hard to put down and communicate and ask for help. Gladly, there is some in that mix who corrects my crown or sometimes even reminds me of its existence.
Till now I have been talking about being on the receiving end of this attention and canoodling. How effective is my contribution to this crown defense drive for my friends? As we humans are structured, we can give only if we have enough and more. Some do give from empty cups of theirs, with its pitfalls. But for me to give I need to know I am self-assured, otherwise any interaction of such nature would be peppered with a bit of jealousy or competition or even plain disinterest, which mostly others can sense. I can sense when I am in my circle and I need some help with my crown, but what is received isn't what I need at that point. No hard feelings, and understand sometimes the circle is insufficient to give.
The best way I have realized is to tell the friends about your condition and back off from the give-and-take cycle when you are not ready. Also from my experience, I have observed that most people shrivel off by this revelation of yours and perceive this as a self-obsessed move of yours. The feeling which remains with them is “She isn’t available when I needed her, She isn’t reciprocating!”. Better not to have such a person in your crown circle, they would never be able to understand.
I do have some coveted members in my crown circle, carefully taken care of and receiving the care I deserve. A lot have entered this circle, but because of my stringent membership rules have bowed out or have been abandoned as well. It's better to keep it clean than have a crowd to uphold your crown, which would anyway be tilted or even stolen!
