How IT works for me— my perspective — spiritualism.
Refining my thinking on spirituality is tumultuous as everything else is I guess! Clarity on these wont come in a jiffy. Metonia isn't smooth!
Growing up years, I was taught to be god-abiding. At home that was the way to be, visiting temples gave me some joy and so I used to do it too. Studied in a convent school, so moral studies and god talk were normal in our curriculum. Didn’t know otherwise and was not the times of Internet too, so exposure was limited. I imbibed the best I could. Adnegation to get some wishes granted was one of the ways of life. Visiting multiple temples while cycling to school was normal. As Kerala small town temples are, the temples were serene and peaceful, a great latibule in the teenage years.
As said by a dear friend, all our spiritual practices are somehow connected to energy and its exchanges or rather energizing the space around us. Temples are also energized spaces, as they are built with a certain science (Vasthusastra), not necessarily just the idol, but how it is built and hot it needs to be used as per a certain science and it is supposed to give you a calm state of mind. For instance, they insist on circumventing in a particular direction for your ultimate benefit. The ringing of bells in your house/temples or the fire washes, lamp lighting, offering of flowers, or some food everything has to do with energizing the space.
People have different ways of perceiving it and different methods of forcing the rituals on you or themselves. By crowding such spaces like temples, this much-needed energy exchange doesn't seem to be the most effective, you feel more drained after that visit than centered.
As per another believer, belief is for oneself, to feel happy, safe, and connected to self more than anything. As per him, it can be anything as long as it works for that person, for some it can be gods, for some others sathan/chathan(in Kerala as Hindu temples are there, there are Chatan temples, which is a subset, which is also thronged. The rituals are a bit different from normal ones, they conductanimal sacrifices and much more), for some, it could be demi/human gods, gurus counselors or shrinks. The point he was emphasizing is that you can do whatever you want in terms of your belief but it shouldn't be detrimental to the physical or mental state of you and the people around you. And that's a fine balancing act. He says he had a life-changing experience of the passing of his loved one, which made him an atheist from an ardent believer, and now after some contemplation, he has stuck a chord with Hindu gods, which works for him.
Interestingly, I did my graduate studies in a college nestled in hills run by an ashram. That would mean, cut off from the external world. Still, the internet was limited and so was our access to the outside world, it needed multiple checks. Being in such an environment of morning yoga, prayers in between, bhajans, and visits to the ashram as part of service was normal and was abided by. Our generation wasn't encouraged to ask questions and was taught mostly to follow. Few in our Gen X, who asked questions and insisted on answers for them were called rebels and were looked upon as troubles, so why come under the radar? Even if a question popped up, the best way out was to find a book to read and be satisfied. Glad college introduced early morning yoga, although it was a task to attend then, it seeped into the routine and has mostly stayed. Other aspects were unnecessary and could have been left to the individual to decide to participate. But it was mostly compulsory in that environment.
Cut to my early 20s, was thrown into the real world after all this canoodling. Started the first job in Mumbai the metropolitan city of India, where life never stops. Even their temples and festivities continued as the Ganesh festival with its elaborate pandals and late-night blasting of spiritual music reconfirmed that it is the way to be. There too the Malayli population was ever increasing, they did have south Indian style temples peppered across regions. Made sure to visit them sometime in the week, just for the feeling of being grounded as the cool sandalwood is smeared on the forehead.
Mid-twenties, moving into Bangalore, another metro, but still very much rooted in culture then in early 2000s. This was beginning was 2000 and the IT boom hadn't hit hard Garden City. Every corner had a temple, so going into one was very normal. It still didn't give the same feel as being in a Kerala temple which is majorly made out of laterite stones, walls decorated by murals, which are generally kept clean, and the only sound which you hear in them is occasional bells by the priest or devotees and chanting of mantras. These here in Bangalore were concrete structures, neatness mostly remains and bustling with the crowd who were in line to tell their requests to the supreme being.
As the home was set up, so was a corner for worship, where the lighting of lamps used to be the ritual at dusk and dawn. For a while did make sure to chant and participate in rituals, Ganesh utsav, Navaratri pooja, Diwali pooja and such. The ringing of pooja bells and putting on the chants in the morning hours were practiced.
In recent times, these rituals started to make no sense. Started asking questions within myself to understand more about the logic behind doing something when the mind said NO. Stopped taking up such activities without clarity henceforth. The guilt of swaying away from almost 40 years of habit did linger. The thought that “that” might not have happened if I had done the “this” ritual is a normal thing to have as part of the conditioning that persists in the system.
So a new inner-world order is sought for. People who saw me growing up had labeled me — Ambala wasi — literally translates to someone who is attached to the temple or lives there. Not that I want to live up to some labels, then had found peace doing those and being in long lines in temples to get a second glimpse of the idol, which kicking and shoving continues. Then it was exploration at my level to understand what works best for me. Now cannot relate to those acts of devotion anymore. An occasional grounding breath when feeling staggered or a habit of practicing meditation or just sitting with a whole bunch of thoughts and letting them pass are practiced more often. The act of asking for a wish and doing something to get that is found to be perfunctory. The need for a cynosure isn't appealing anymore. The supreme brilliance which is ever-encompassing does not look real, often looking for imperfection in something, so that it is relatable.
