How do I see me as they see me?
Being self-critical comes from habits, totally reversible, with huge efforts. That effort is intimidating that we don't want to do it at all. I have known some of friends, who have high self esteem, to the level of proclaiming themselves to be the best in whatever they do. This unparalleled confidence could be coming from a very assured growing up years. Someone did a good job of telling them “ No matter what! you are good.” This confidence sometimes tips over to overconfidence or being in a bubble of their own where they are the best.
For instance one of not so not-so-popular Bollywood actor claims herself to be the best— https://www.facebook.com/reel/304620759299934 and it might be a constant assurance from her circle that she is, made her believe so. Or it could be an innate confidence that is built over years, drop by drop to get that inner brightness so that nothing outside affects you.
The self-critic in me is active! That inner voice always sees things as it is… almost black and white. No exaggeration and no fairies and balloons in most situations which others have fantasies about. I might be missing out on seeing some rainbows because of that I am assuming. In recent times, I realize those realities which I perceive is only mine and need not for others to be heard and shared. So chances of validation of these are restricted to very inner circles, which I have built over the years, it could be just a person who has that burden of it sometimes. But at least such a person is there for me to bounce and for her to enjoy from the rink what a fantastic drama runs through my mind. It's quite a circus, as I think most of ours are. I ain't any peculiar, I am assured. Just that most of us don't acknowledge this.
One of those times, when everything is dark and lonesome, one of the acquaintances, who might have seen me from a distance, assured me with assuring words. I was intrigued by how he could see that in me, while I ain't able to see that in that situation. Ofcourse when a zillion thoughts course through you, which are labeling you, all these reassuring words won't do any magic. It's just drop in an ocean of self-deprecating thoughts. Ofcourse I do appreciate those efforts and overwhelming gratitude for it as that did give a glimmer of hope to think that it's not all that bad after all.
It’s better to have a tribe of these soothsayers of such kind, who would assure you from time to time that you are ok. These soothsayers, in my case, comes in all shapes, size, and ages. One of the main ones, names withheld as I don’t wanna share them! They are rare to fin, and I am not in sharing mood. They are mine and only min, and I am theirs as far as possible.
The first one is someone whom I discovered when I was in the deep pit of melancholy, and by chance as well, although she was around from my childhood never considered her to be one. Conditioning made me believe only very close family members to be close. She could relate to my condition as she has gone through something similar and was very patient with every thought of mine, or rather would say whatever I could speak out then. You could be hounded by some that can never see the day of light, as they can make you feel shameful of them too. Until then, what I have heard or learnt is that such thoughts shouldn’t cross your mind even. And here I am talking of them not only crossing but living there mostly permanently for days together. So it wasn’t acceptable for me to have them, and for others to see me have them. “Shrug them off” was the wisdom that was asked me off. I, with all the might, tried doing the same. But this dear person made me realize it’s ok to have these thought, and they too shall do their dance and get going someday. It doesn’t make me a bad person.
Then there is another one who learns with me every step of the way. Quite learnable he is. He could have given up on me and the situations long before. But he stayed on and learnt starting from the initial alphabet of handling such difficult situations. Initially, there were apprehensions of the external help that were take. Thee major question was how was I insufficient to give the support than that external support. The Indian attitude of fixing it all yourself, never looking outside, and all the more pay for it as well. It was our learning that we allwereen’t trained to deal with emotions and thoughts. We already have our own to deal with. So a trained individual is better to put those ducks in line before you dea to learn to deal with them yourself. I would be glad if we had training from childhood to express these emotions in a better way, without being aggressive or overwhelmed. It would have been half battle won. Now, after all that we have gone through, in his presence, I can be as weird as I ca. Theree is always an encouragement to be so in every situation from his side. But that is a huge leap from my side to do so, even with that encouragement. No, solutions are not sought, but emotions are heard or expressed. Mostly, there is no need for a solution, or I am confident to find my fix. Or sometimes no fixing is needed is the wisdom, too.
Then there are other well-wishers who think you are the angel whom they saw growing up. In a protective environment, and when you are just surrounded by books, you would be the most joyful. There are no challenges to deal with. These protectors are there to fight that battle for you to an extent they know. Certain battles weren’t fought, as they weren’t ready for it, or they thought they weren’t equipped to fight them too. This “angel” image they hold on of you, and they can not think of you being the diamond who is going through the grind which life is giving you. They are also a great blessing and grounding factor as they operate from just pure love, and it takes you back those times when it was just joy and simple acts.
These angels, without knowing much enquired about the well-being and contributed in progress.
Yes, these squads help you sometimes figure yourself out, this could be momentary, but as the wise says… “The Change is inevitable”. So shall we be weirder and figure out levels of it ofcourse with few people cheering you on?
