From Warm to Cold

So this is it? That is a constant feeling that I am comprehending as of now. Often I go near that casket and gaze at that smiling face, I have limited time for it and I fervently do that many times. Glad I got that time to accept the fact that he is no more, be around that frozen body for a while to accept the facts. I am more than happy to have spent the only struggling day in your life with you. Although I was of no support to you, you knew we were there around to get back to, if there was a chance.

The man who supported me was always in the background. A man who expressed his feelings subtly, there were no warm hugs nor words that came our way. But subtle actions that showed he cared deeply — could be a bundle of bananas that just saved for me from weeks together painstakingly from his latest crop or a mild admonishment that came my way when he found something which is out of place, but giving space to do your thing.

He was a man of structure and discipline, everything in his world was organized. Every money transaction he did was accounted for, at our family home, there are diaries and files which testimonies it. He always tried to teach those principles in us, I ain't sure if I could tame the reckless self. But he never imposed anything on us. That was his greatest virtue which I tried to emulate, let live. If you want to be reckless with your stuff, do it I would support you, You want to marry a guy whom you finds to be suitable to you, So be it, You want to raise your kid in a particular way, so be it and I would come and change diapers for you. If you want to have a home in a particular way, I am there all the way to make it a possibility for you.

Would I be able to enunciate everything that I am feeling, not a possibility? But we would uphold things that you taught us with your subtleties, actions, and jest. Never would we forget your ardent love for rotund stuff while sitting on our verandah and how relishingly you enjoyed every part of fish and how you supported mom in all ways you could, whether it was some dusting in the house or cutting of vegetables which were more act of spending time together than anything else.

Letting you move on….. is a task for me …. or it is me moving on to accept the fact in the rest of my life there is only “this might be what Pappa would have done” thought to guide me.