Emptying or Filling or Overflowing!
You are an internet junkie! and how net figures out what you are looking for. We all know, it knows us more than we know ourselves. Jokes apart you are bombarded with more of stuff than you might have searched at one point. Maybe in the early days I might have definitely searched on how to manage this and that. So a fix-all to that was thrown to me as yoga or meditation or consistent exercise.
It becomes a guilt trip or vicious circle of resentment if you haven’t done it all to keep yourself sane. Or it’s this keeping up with trends that cause you FOMO. So you transform into that self-care junkie, who does it all, eat right, drink gallons of water, exercise, journal, read, and write but still is insane because of what… no idea at all. Have passed through this junkie face where my to-do list of self-care was long and almost felt the 24 hours isn’t enough to finish them all with other things we sign up to put food on the table too.
Journey with meditation is one such, it was on the to-do list, but always used to be pushed to the bottom and then looked at with a sad face but a determined one and moved to the to-be-done-tomorrow list. Majorly it wasn't done because of fear when I look back. First didn't know what to do and how to do. Everyone around said it has a good effect on you, but the urge to sit with yourself wasn't enticing at all. What ifs were more than anything else which stopped me.
In the course of discovery tried out different methods of it, and got terrified by some of them, as it was a group of 100 who were learning the technique and your neighbor started having convulsions when you were just trying to figure out if you were breathing from the left nostril or right. Didnt return to that mass program ever after and labeled it as a waste and cult. Whatever I label, it is thriving and is beneficial for millions after that. So I should have just understood that I haven’t found my groove in that.
The journey of life continues, and a point comes when meditation is suggested as a prescription, was told if you don't do it you won't survive. So the only way is to try it out with an almost open heart.
It as I assumed was a terrifying experience. What I encountered wasn't pleasant. The ugliness which was exposed when I sat with myself was not easy to understand. As a guide told me, just sit for some time and see what happens. What happened was pain, cries and sometimes howling. The first thought that bombards you is then, how Do I fix this mess of mine? Anger towards what caused it is certainly usurps and most times it was towards external factors or people. And lastly, it circles around to you. But that journey is long and not easy. It is not that circumstances aren't a contributing factor, but it is minor is what I learned. It's mostly you.
Now when you want to do the practice there is no fear to see what comes up, as I understood that as a sine wave, it would come and go. The power is to just observe it. It's another uphill task but at least fears have subsided.
It is supposed to make me
Friends with my thoughts. At least I would have some close buddies.
Fewer thoughts racing in a second. I am not anyways interested in races.
A mental muscle gets developed. Flexing baby.
Better control on responses to the situations than react. Far cry away.
Makes you kind they say, or is it kinder ! should be so. If that isn't in you where would it come from?
Makes you understand the intrinsic goodness of other people. Hmm that's a huge expectation. People please line up, would like to do a survey.
Just like the trend junkie I am, I still experiment with methods to do it and I think that journey would continue.
When you want to Netflix and chill: here is something on meditation :
