Empty nest series — 2 — Did I do enough?
Imposter syndrome. This question surfaces on all fronts. So here too. Did I do enough for you? Not a question that anyone can answer and I wouldn't be satisfied with any answer which would come my way, but counter it with some instances in which I could have done better. There is always a list ready on that.
how much did I contribute to your development? Interesting question! If we have had an appraisal meeting with an able mediator and do a review. You would have many interesting feedbacks for us as parents. I know there were instances when you could have called child care if we were in the western world.
I started off as an ever-pervasive, ever-controlling parent. Needed supervision of you and your updates on an hourly basis, this made me tug you and your nanny along every morning to a house near the office. So that I could check on you multiple times during the day. It was bliss to come back to you in between the office work, but the context switching and the bike ride between the office and your locations was actually a fast and furious equivalent. Thanks to the nannies who were around for those almost 3 years, they managed to get our food ready for the whole day, pack everything which you might need, and take them along every day. I lot of planning and strategizing went into these journies we had every day and I sometimes wonder whether I could have done better. I would never be able to convince myself one way or another.
Multiple exhaustive breakdowns later, Realised that I should take it slow, and started leaving you at home with the help. Every morning, when stepped out for work, it was a big tug on my heart to make that decision to step out. Either it would be a running nose that would be of concern or it could be just need to be with you which made me reconsider every day if I was doing it right. With all these you reach work and be engaged, every phone call would send jitters along the spine, thinking worst for a second. Have had instances of being called back because of emergencies at home with you having choking instances or bad fevers. Should recount a particular instance of you locking up the help in a toilet by mistake and walking out of the house and she called me from the toilet as well. So it is mixed baggage of fun, panic or frustration. But every working hour was filled with guilt of not fully being here and neither being with you there at all. Being Nowhere was my state for quite some time. The work culture I was in also didn't make it easier for me, as leaving work at a decent hour after spending the stipulated hours was not considered efficient and was always looked down upon. I didn't think of pushing my envelope at work as well, thinking that I might loose time with you. So all confused state I would say. Here too I often contemplate if I could have done better!
Liberation of sorts came when you started showing up as an individual with clear thinking in your pre-teen years. Make me realize that now I can leave you anywhere and be at peace. From then on I breathe deep when out and don't rush doing an errand and rush back, not walk around guilt-ridden because you always gave me a feeling that you can take care of yourself and I am just an add-on service. I am happy being that add-on around contributing only when you ask for it. Makes me think here too, if I did it ok to encourage you to be independent that dependency on me is meager. Ha ha, never would that imposter in me be appeased!
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This is part of the series which were penned for my son @pranavg2504 on him emptying the nest and me having a nest all to myself.
Others in the series :
