Calm before the storm — getting peopley.
I can't people. I am introverted and enjoy every opportunity for reflection and solitude with myself. The results of this amok reflection I can't assure it would be the best, but can only say it is better than being in company and having pregnant silences and boredom which ensues.
Before every event or anytime I need to get “peoplely”, I try to find a moment of calm as I get ready. One would think being 47 years of peopling would inoculate you against these “usual” butterflies and jitters, but that simply isn’t the case for me. I have turned to getting ready by using a meditative ritual.
A quiet room with maybe my preferred music in slow at the background, an anticipation of a good bath preluded by a head oil massage and body oils, and then the most enjoyable practice of laying out my jewelry and accessories, which means foraging through all the collections and finding the apt ones. All these are done before plunging into a hot shower, where all those tardiness and before-event anxieties are washed away, together with the oils. I start out as frumpy Laks and I emerge as the most refined form, I can be. This is a regular metamorphosis, maybe to be done every day to be in sync with the world I am in. I am not yet living below that preferred rock, which has view of the most beautiful mountain and where all essentials are airdropped by drones. So on special-event days, there can be a motivational speaker avatar that needs to be drawn from within, to give that essential pep talk before getting into public, even after all the elaborate bath routine.
I do not travel with any entourage as such. That means I don't ask around, who is going to come to a public setting to which I am invited , so that I can latch on to some of them. This strategy was sort for some time before that was effective as well. But realised that in the prep time, I would have to include some time to call around and understand and fret over if my preferred company isn't around. So newest strategy is to prep and go and be the lone warrior, at the most relying on the family which might accompany some of the situations. In other situations where I am to go solo, prep time plus pep talk time can be a little longer and the mission has a chance of aborting in any of the phases. There are times when I am fully dressed and sitting pretty on my sofa, just enjoying my own company, as the mission abort was indicated by anxiety which might have popped. Such instances of abort missions were stressful as well sometimes, as I assumed them to be a personal failure to be “peopley”. This was considered unnatural by me, as everybody else was doing it naturally, unaffected.
Some questions that arose were
How was I managing when I was young?
Do I have more thoughts which is why these feelings, how to get out of this loop?
Have I some assumed judgments for the people or situations, which I need to work harder to break?
Now after years of trying to adjust to be more social, I discovered a more acceptable term for me is —I am Selectively Sociable. That is what I thrive to be — I select my stage to perform, I prep at my pace, and appear and contribute to my fullest satisfaction and leave peacefully when need be. So it can be a little jerky for sure, prep time need not be sufficient and at the stage, there can be some new elements added like a new prop or a person. It does create some repercussions and subsequent recovery, which can take days or sometimes even calls for a therapy session. That's the new normal, not floating between one social setting to the next, unfazed. I need my rest between dramas that unfold. I deserve those deep breaths with makes me realize what I want the most and not necessarily what others wants are. I am finding my hygge in this still.
