Calm, after the storm and it repeats
People who know me close would vouch for me being calmer now than some years before. I am still a riot as far as concerned with inner conditions which spill over to my outer demeanor too most of the time. Not a great mask wearer that way.
There is a lot of difference between being calmer and being nascent. There were phases of being nascent, non-reactive, or being yay sayer, not because was confident of it, but because didn't put in the effort to understand better. Was that the best time, wouldn't say so, because then I didn't articulate and explore what I really felt, which is a huge disservice to myself. A lot of great ideas flashed but were never explored, because of lack of interest, circumstances, and some resentment which was by-product of conditioning.
Being Calmer, any day everybody's aim. But expecting that to be permanent can be a bit unreal oneself. Growing up years when I was exposed to happiness as a concept, had the wrong impression if I follow what the experts list down for happiness, I would be perenially in a positive state. A fix-all list does not exist which caters to unique me, as my path is different from his is what I learned later. So the frenzy to read up as much self-help and then make a list out of them, could have created an illusion that I am doing all right, but why this “happiness” is so elusive? Later to realize that it's a combination of many things or sometimes lack them too, which needs to fall in place for us to feel balanced. I wasn't aware of the fact that there could be times when you can feel a lot like a crushed soul without any hope at all, and this can pass if given time. It could even go to an extent of an extreme existential crisis of evaluating purpose when actually you are incapable of picking a glass of water then. Maybe those were the ways you get to learn that there are dark crevices in me that needed to be seen and be familiar with, so any time you get trapped there, you at least know you would get out. That knowledge brings the CALM. Otherwise a million “What ifs” used to occupy the tabs of my mind, not that all of them closed down, but a few of them did, relieving me to explore the creative crevices in me.
