Pitted and pulled
When I think of what could be the things or persons I dislike vehemently. Vehemently is such a strong word to add to dislike. When I think of that, my chest constricts and there is a pull from the throat downwards. Classic case of me not wanting to express my feeling my therapist says. Is there a lingering tension in the upper back, yes there is. There she comes in and says, you have taken it as a responsibility not to vehemently dislike or you have taken it as a responsibility to like everything.
Toxic positivity if there is such a thing there, is what that is. We are conditioned not to show our dislike, although your gut says that you dislike it/him/her, you aren’t supposed to show it. That isn’t the norm, you smile and take it on the stride. Taking it on the stride raises it to another level, in your early adulthood, you could get verbally abused, you don’t retort back, I am “just” taking it on stride. You get mildly abused, you are taking that also in stride. Don’t talk about it, and neither do you express and understand what you felt after that. Just push it under the carpet, and that is too deep within that it might be a deep pain that you feel in your gut, but still no expressions. And then you console yourself after reading about it, there was no Google then, so rush into a library and read some books and realize what it is and console yourself, it was just a mild one, not the one which is depicted here. I am lucky. Once more you pat yourself to have taken it in stride. Your will to express got clipped and you are not understanding what is that pit feeling inside you. Is it pain, angst, or self-pity? I think it was more self-pity as the words are similar, in Pit because of self-pity. No distinction of feeling. We don’t express them then. But still hopeful and getting ahead.
Now you are a young professional, you haven’t expressed yourself till now, and you are in a corporate with so much male energy around you. They either see you with certain glasses — a damsel in distress who reaches out to you when in trouble(here I am talking about code — compiling issues ) or as someone who needs attention which can grow into something else. Was the expressive individual seen, sans my female body parts? She wasn’t around to be seen. Still, the pit in the stomach continues to grow into a bigger one. It is addressed by distractions, shopping was one of the means for that. You knew deep inside you could do something but never it came out of that pit deep in there, nor did the throat which was pulled down by that pit allow the words to come out. Still, the hope prevails, glad that I didn’t give up.
You become a wife and swiftly a mother, the pit disappears, or did it? You are just a persuasive super mother who has taken up all the responsibilities of raising a child. You are guilt-tripped vehemently, once more that word here, because that is the intensity with which it is done not to think of yourself. You can be fully exhausted after a day’s job, after taking care of your fledgling, but you can’t be on that pot reading something for yourself. Then also you are reading parenting tips. By now google is there. Thank god for that. If you aren’t reading parenting tips and acting like a responsible one implementing them, you aren’t that golden child from yesteryears, who did all of it right.
We all grow and evolve, your struggle to survive isn’t there by now, your living conditions improved and your child is bigger. By gods grace an individual on his own, glad that I read those parenting tips and tried stuff on him. Glad that I had this guinea pig to experiment on and grow with. I grew and flourished as an individual with him. Thanks to my partner who never intervened in the process, let us do our stuff. That magic potion that we both as partners concocted worked well, our fledgling is an independent thinker. Hope he wouldn’t have this big pit in his stomach and that thronging pull down from his throat as intense as I had.
